How we think about discipline

And what it is actually for

Discipline is one of the most contentious and varied topics in parenting.

It also defines a lot about a family or a school, and the interactions within them.

So I am going to kick off a series on discipline, appearing intermittently over the coming months. To get us going, I am going to frame how we think about it.

As my school managers will attest, I am quite obsessive about framing, because proper framing of a complex issue can dramatically improve the way you approach it. My aim is to give you a way to think about what matters most to you.

Two elements to discipline

When I think about discipline, I consider two elements: the long game, and addressing the immediate issue.

The long game

The long game is about what kind of person you want to raise. What matters most to you? Is it kindness? Independence? Good manners? Whatever it is, that is what the long-term purpose of your discipline is, and what it needs to drive toward.

This will look different for different families, which is why you sometimes watch another parent and cannot believe they would allow their child to do that thing. What matters is not the thing itself, it is whether their discipline is aligned with what they actually care about.

For example, one parent might believe their child should stand up for themselves at all costs, because they want them to be confident and assertive above all else. Another might prioritise consideration for others. These parents will approach the same playground conflict in completely different ways.

That is why even at school, we need to be clear about the kind of people we are trying to mould, and the related soft skills they will need.

Addressing the immediate issue

Addressing the immediate issue is the day-to-day. What is acceptable to you right now, in this situation, with this child, and how do you help that happen? How do you address your child hitting or shouting at you if this is not acceptable to you?

Most of the research on discipline focuses on what works for in-the-moment behaviour. But I find it hard to separate it from the long game, because the accumulation of the everyday moments defines it.

So, practically

It is worth spending time thinking through these for yourself.

1. Consider the long game. What kind of person do you hope your child will become? What behaviours do you want to see in them? And what skills will they need to actually show those behaviours? Those answers are what you are working toward in your discipline strategy.

2. Define what you will accept now. Most well-known discipline approaches share one thing in common: they emphasise clear, explicit rules. Children need to know what is acceptable and what is not. In a home environment, that is unlikely to look like a chart on the wall like we do at school. It is more likely to be five or so key rules you (and your partner) agree on, and then repeat, consistently, out loud, over and over.

I will get more specific about strategies in the articles ahead — the how of responding in the moment, staying consistent, and handling the hard stuff. But giving some thought to what you are working towards, and what your rules actually are, provides an incredibly useful starting point.